Know Your Body (Part 1)

Before I realized my brain had ADHD, I always believed my physical health was perfect. But in the week of my ADHD diagnosis, I began to question the thoughts and beliefs in my brain, while the discomfort in my body became hard to ignore.

This is the first part of the relationship between ADHD and physical sensations.

Ignoring: I'm Fine, I'm Okay

From a young age, I had a false belief in my brain: I should be a perfect person, and my body should be 100% healthy. Any illness should be temporary, caused by external factors, and impossible to persist long-term.

With this belief, I often regarded my physical symptoms as illusions. When I was in kindergarten and playing with other kids, I fell to the ground. I told everyone I was fine, even though I was silently crying. I slept like that for a night, only to find the next day that I couldn't lift my right hand, and went to the hospital with my parents for a check-up. The result was a fracture of the right clavicle.

Other instances of ignoring include: rarely feeling thirsty and drinking little water. Rarely feeling hunger and fullness, leading to overeating or skipping meals. Since a day at the age of 15, my vision has been filled with bright spots See: Visual Snow Syndrome, initially causing a lot of depression, but later adapting and forgetting the existence of this symptom.

Deceiving: Maybe This Isn't Acting

My ADHD brain often puts on a drama by itself. In the eyes of the ADHD brain, I am a sophisticated actress, skilled at using my body to portray characters or achieve goals.

For example, I feel nauseous and retch against the wall, and my brain thinks I'm portraying a pregnant woman in early pregnancy. My head hurts so much that I can't open my eyes and have to be helped to the dormitory because I'm performing to attract my friends' attention.

Because the performance activities in my mind are temporary, and these physical symptoms indeed do not persist, I firmly believe in the identity of a "sophisticated actress."

Misattributing: The Hypothesis of Anxiety Somatization

At the start of my first full-time job, I experienced my first "anxiety somatization." It was a morning of remote work, I finished a morning meeting and drank McDonald's coffee.

When I wanted to walk back to my room from the living room, my heart suddenly raced, and my breathing became rapid. I took deep breaths until my hands and lower body became numb, and my boyfriend moved me to the bed.

I recalled a scene of hyperventilation from a previous documentary. My brain gave such hyperventilation, rapid heartbeat, limb numbness, and trembling a name: anxiety somatization. I went to the clinic for anti-anxiety medication and cried to the doctor, explaining the mental stress of starting a formal job.

Before my appointment with a psychiatrist for an ADHD diagnosis, I or my brain began to be anxious about it, creating frequent self-perceived "anxiety somatization" or "panic attack" situations. I dug out expired anti-anxiety medication, attempting to use serotonin to correct my emotions, but this time, it caused me low mood and depression.

Later, my psychiatrist stated: ADHD can indeed trigger intense anxiety and depression. This gave me a new attribution for my physical discomfort: ADHD.

Follow-up

The diagnosis of ADHD, cognitive behavioral therapy, and mindfulness meditation began to change my understanding of my brain and body. If you are interested in these topics, please continue reading: Know Your Body (Part 2): Mindfulness Meditation, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and Medication